Have I forgotten how to appreciate the guy who loves me?
Have I not gotten over the past?
Have I not regained the trust?
or have I simply become lazy, indifference and uninterested?
I wish I were the Jane I used to be...
Friday, November 6, 2009
Monday, September 14, 2009
Frustrated
Recently I've been arguing a lot with a guy who insist that I should accept him NOW. I really don't know how to explain to him about this feeling of mine of not wanting to be attached yet for now... He always make it sound like I am cheating him and just want to waste his time... Many times I do think that he is very in love with me but sometimes I really wonder if that is really love or does he just love himself? He doesn't want to waste his time, he doesn't want to risk... or am I very selfish in saying that? because I don't want to risk my heart too. As a conclusion, we both probably just love ourselves best.
I admit that I really don't like a lot of my own stubborn and thinking too much kinda characters. I admire and am really jealous of people who can let go easily and move on. I do admire them but the thing is I AM NOT like them and I CAN'T be like them, NOT I DON'T WANT TO be like them. What he brings up every night, how he compares me with Xin Dee and other girls who had easily moved on just make me feel more and more lousy about myself and frustrated with my life. God, there's only 1 thing I really asked for, but that has already been certified as "not granted." I really want to know so what's next in my life...
I admit that I really don't like a lot of my own stubborn and thinking too much kinda characters. I admire and am really jealous of people who can let go easily and move on. I do admire them but the thing is I AM NOT like them and I CAN'T be like them, NOT I DON'T WANT TO be like them. What he brings up every night, how he compares me with Xin Dee and other girls who had easily moved on just make me feel more and more lousy about myself and frustrated with my life. God, there's only 1 thing I really asked for, but that has already been certified as "not granted." I really want to know so what's next in my life...
Friday, July 24, 2009
Somewhat lost...
I wish I know what I want. It is really not easy to get over the first relationship. Just when I thought I have completely let go and forget about it.... certain things will just pop up and remind me of all the good times we had together and it is such a pity no matter how good those times were, this is how the relationship has ended...
I heard a beautiful song recently and it's entitled, "What if?" by Kate Winslet.
Here I stand alone
With this weight upon my heart
And it will not go away
In my head I keep on looking back
Right back to the start
Wondering what it was that made you change
Well I tried
But I had to draw the line
And still this question keeps on spinning in my mind
What if I had never let you go
Would you be the man I used to know
If I'd stayed
If you'd tried
If we could only turn back time
But I guess we'll never know
Many roads to take
Some to joy
Some to heart-ache
Anyone can lose their way
And if I said that we could turn it back
Right back to the start
Would you take the chance and make the change
Do you think how it would have been sometimes
Do you pray that I'd never left your side
What if I had never let you go
Would you be the man I used to know
If I'd stayed
If you'd tried
If we could only turn back time
But I guess we'll never know
If only we could turn the hands of time
If I could take you back would you still be mine
'Cos I tried
But I had to draw the line
And still this question keep on spinning in my mind
What if I had never let you go
Would you be the man I used to know
What if I had never walked away
'Cos I still love you more than I can say
If I'd stayed
If you'd tried
If we could only turn back time
But I guess we'll never know
We'll never know
Ideally, I shouldn't have given up but rationally, I should draw a line when things had gone way too hard to bear... Tho there are lots of 'what if's but i guess we have no other choice even if we can turn back time.
And now, someone who has always been there for me when times were tough. Someone who seemingly willing to give his all to have me... I can't tell, I really can't tell if I give you a chance, will you be my second or last. Just like I couldn't tell was it my first or my first and last previously.
Sometimes, the 3 words that you wanted from me were just at the edge... It was just about to slip out of my lips but something is holding them back. I have no idea why I feel wrong to just let them out of my lips... I am not sure if I have got over my previous relationship completely and I don't think it's right to say it until I am completely sure I have. I don't want it to be a rebound. I don't want to start it with a doubt. I really want to start a relationship like any innocent girl who really believe that it is gonna be different from the other relationships.
I want to believe that things can turn out good but again, something in me kept telling me that I'll never know what will crop up and chock the relationship again...
Thanks for your patience and all you have been to me. I believe that you are someone who's worth entrusting my heart... yet I can't tell when I am ready to do so... I'm sorry...
I heard a beautiful song recently and it's entitled, "What if?" by Kate Winslet.
Here I stand alone
With this weight upon my heart
And it will not go away
In my head I keep on looking back
Right back to the start
Wondering what it was that made you change
Well I tried
But I had to draw the line
And still this question keeps on spinning in my mind
What if I had never let you go
Would you be the man I used to know
If I'd stayed
If you'd tried
If we could only turn back time
But I guess we'll never know
Many roads to take
Some to joy
Some to heart-ache
Anyone can lose their way
And if I said that we could turn it back
Right back to the start
Would you take the chance and make the change
Do you think how it would have been sometimes
Do you pray that I'd never left your side
What if I had never let you go
Would you be the man I used to know
If I'd stayed
If you'd tried
If we could only turn back time
But I guess we'll never know
If only we could turn the hands of time
If I could take you back would you still be mine
'Cos I tried
But I had to draw the line
And still this question keep on spinning in my mind
What if I had never let you go
Would you be the man I used to know
What if I had never walked away
'Cos I still love you more than I can say
If I'd stayed
If you'd tried
If we could only turn back time
But I guess we'll never know
We'll never know
Ideally, I shouldn't have given up but rationally, I should draw a line when things had gone way too hard to bear... Tho there are lots of 'what if's but i guess we have no other choice even if we can turn back time.
And now, someone who has always been there for me when times were tough. Someone who seemingly willing to give his all to have me... I can't tell, I really can't tell if I give you a chance, will you be my second or last. Just like I couldn't tell was it my first or my first and last previously.
Sometimes, the 3 words that you wanted from me were just at the edge... It was just about to slip out of my lips but something is holding them back. I have no idea why I feel wrong to just let them out of my lips... I am not sure if I have got over my previous relationship completely and I don't think it's right to say it until I am completely sure I have. I don't want it to be a rebound. I don't want to start it with a doubt. I really want to start a relationship like any innocent girl who really believe that it is gonna be different from the other relationships.
I want to believe that things can turn out good but again, something in me kept telling me that I'll never know what will crop up and chock the relationship again...
Thanks for your patience and all you have been to me. I believe that you are someone who's worth entrusting my heart... yet I can't tell when I am ready to do so... I'm sorry...
Wednesday, March 25, 2009
Something new about life...
It has been more than 4 months since a relationship had ended... Before that, I though ending a relationship that had been suffocating will bring immediate relief... But I realised something else... Instead, ending a relationship might be just mending another relationship...
It is really funny how expectations can bring so many negative effects to a relationship. When you're in a BGR, you would probably have expectations towards the other person... and if they're not met, anger, disappointment and all come along and chock the relationship...
Interestingly, when you've decided to give up on that relationship and to not have anymore expectations towards that person... you'd find that all those anger, disappointment and other feelings that have been chocking the relationship would just disappear... and you could only remember all the nice things that the other party had done and how much he/she had struggled along that journey... then you wished you could have endured longer, could have been more understanding...
Sadly, it really seemed that there was no way to get rid of those negative effects of expectations unless you don expect and in order to not expect, you just have to decide to end the relationship. I remember someone said, "it is better to be single and hope that you were attached than to be attached and hope that you were not." Maybe it wasn't a wrong decision after all....
It is better to feel that he actually cared when we're apart than to feel that he doesn't care at all when we're together...
Feel like saying... I wish everything goes well for you... Hope you'll walk in His way and trust Him with all you have. Hope to see you successful one day...
It is really funny how expectations can bring so many negative effects to a relationship. When you're in a BGR, you would probably have expectations towards the other person... and if they're not met, anger, disappointment and all come along and chock the relationship...
Interestingly, when you've decided to give up on that relationship and to not have anymore expectations towards that person... you'd find that all those anger, disappointment and other feelings that have been chocking the relationship would just disappear... and you could only remember all the nice things that the other party had done and how much he/she had struggled along that journey... then you wished you could have endured longer, could have been more understanding...
Sadly, it really seemed that there was no way to get rid of those negative effects of expectations unless you don expect and in order to not expect, you just have to decide to end the relationship. I remember someone said, "it is better to be single and hope that you were attached than to be attached and hope that you were not." Maybe it wasn't a wrong decision after all....
It is better to feel that he actually cared when we're apart than to feel that he doesn't care at all when we're together...
Feel like saying... I wish everything goes well for you... Hope you'll walk in His way and trust Him with all you have. Hope to see you successful one day...
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