Somewhat lost...

I wish I know what I want. It is really not easy to get over the first relationship. Just when I thought I have completely let go and forget about it.... certain things will just pop up and remind me of all the good times we had together and it is such a pity no matter how good those times were, this is how the relationship has ended...

I heard a beautiful song recently and it's entitled, "What if?" by Kate Winslet.

Here I stand alone
With this weight upon my heart
And it will not go away
In my head I keep on looking back
Right back to the start
Wondering what it was that made you change

Well I tried
But I had to draw the line
And still this question keeps on spinning in my mind

What if I had never let you go
Would you be the man I used to know
If I'd stayed
If you'd tried
If we could only turn back time
But I guess we'll never know

Many roads to take
Some to joy
Some to heart-ache
Anyone can lose their way
And if I said that we could turn it back
Right back to the start
Would you take the chance and make the change

Do you think how it would have been sometimes
Do you pray that I'd never left your side

What if I had never let you go
Would you be the man I used to know
If I'd stayed
If you'd tried
If we could only turn back time
But I guess we'll never know

If only we could turn the hands of time
If I could take you back would you still be mine

'Cos I tried
But I had to draw the line
And still this question keep on spinning in my mind

What if I had never let you go
Would you be the man I used to know
What if I had never walked away
'Cos I still love you more than I can say
If I'd stayed
If you'd tried
If we could only turn back time
But I guess we'll never know
We'll never know

Ideally, I shouldn't have given up but rationally, I should draw a line when things had gone way too hard to bear... Tho there are lots of 'what if's but i guess we have no other choice even if we can turn back time.

And now, someone who has always been there for me when times were tough. Someone who seemingly willing to give his all to have me... I can't tell, I really can't tell if I give you a chance, will you be my second or last. Just like I couldn't tell was it my first or my first and last previously.

Sometimes, the 3 words that you wanted from me were just at the edge... It was just about to slip out of my lips but something is holding them back. I have no idea why I feel wrong to just let them out of my lips... I am not sure if I have got over my previous relationship completely and I don't think it's right to say it until I am completely sure I have. I don't want it to be a rebound. I don't want to start it with a doubt. I really want to start a relationship like any innocent girl who really believe that it is gonna be different from the other relationships.

I want to believe that things can turn out good but again, something in me kept telling me that I'll never know what will crop up and chock the relationship again...

Thanks for your patience and all you have been to me. I believe that you are someone who's worth entrusting my heart... yet I can't tell when I am ready to do so... I'm sorry...