Friday, November 6, 2009

Have I?

Have I forgotten how to appreciate the guy who loves me?
Have I not gotten over the past?
Have I not regained the trust?
or have I simply become lazy, indifference and uninterested?

I wish I were the Jane I used to be...

Monday, September 14, 2009


Recently I've been arguing a lot with a guy who insist that I should accept him NOW. I really don't know how to explain to him about this feeling of mine of not wanting to be attached yet for now... He always make it sound like I am cheating him and just want to waste his time... Many times I do think that he is very in love with me but sometimes I really wonder if that is really love or does he just love himself? He doesn't want to waste his time, he doesn't want to risk... or am I very selfish in saying that? because I don't want to risk my heart too. As a conclusion, we both probably just love ourselves best.

I admit that I really don't like a lot of my own stubborn and thinking too much kinda characters. I admire and am really jealous of people who can let go easily and move on. I do admire them but the thing is I AM NOT like them and I CAN'T be like them, NOT I DON'T WANT TO be like them. What he brings up every night, how he compares me with Xin Dee and other girls who had easily moved on just make me feel more and more lousy about myself and frustrated with my life. God, there's only 1 thing I really asked for, but that has already been certified as "not granted." I really want to know so what's next in my life...

Friday, July 24, 2009

Somewhat lost...

I wish I know what I want. It is really not easy to get over the first relationship. Just when I thought I have completely let go and forget about it.... certain things will just pop up and remind me of all the good times we had together and it is such a pity no matter how good those times were, this is how the relationship has ended...

I heard a beautiful song recently and it's entitled, "What if?" by Kate Winslet.

Here I stand alone
With this weight upon my heart
And it will not go away
In my head I keep on looking back
Right back to the start
Wondering what it was that made you change

Well I tried
But I had to draw the line
And still this question keeps on spinning in my mind

What if I had never let you go
Would you be the man I used to know
If I'd stayed
If you'd tried
If we could only turn back time
But I guess we'll never know

Many roads to take
Some to joy
Some to heart-ache
Anyone can lose their way
And if I said that we could turn it back
Right back to the start
Would you take the chance and make the change

Do you think how it would have been sometimes
Do you pray that I'd never left your side

What if I had never let you go
Would you be the man I used to know
If I'd stayed
If you'd tried
If we could only turn back time
But I guess we'll never know

If only we could turn the hands of time
If I could take you back would you still be mine

'Cos I tried
But I had to draw the line
And still this question keep on spinning in my mind

What if I had never let you go
Would you be the man I used to know
What if I had never walked away
'Cos I still love you more than I can say
If I'd stayed
If you'd tried
If we could only turn back time
But I guess we'll never know
We'll never know

Ideally, I shouldn't have given up but rationally, I should draw a line when things had gone way too hard to bear... Tho there are lots of 'what if's but i guess we have no other choice even if we can turn back time.

And now, someone who has always been there for me when times were tough. Someone who seemingly willing to give his all to have me... I can't tell, I really can't tell if I give you a chance, will you be my second or last. Just like I couldn't tell was it my first or my first and last previously.

Sometimes, the 3 words that you wanted from me were just at the edge... It was just about to slip out of my lips but something is holding them back. I have no idea why I feel wrong to just let them out of my lips... I am not sure if I have got over my previous relationship completely and I don't think it's right to say it until I am completely sure I have. I don't want it to be a rebound. I don't want to start it with a doubt. I really want to start a relationship like any innocent girl who really believe that it is gonna be different from the other relationships.

I want to believe that things can turn out good but again, something in me kept telling me that I'll never know what will crop up and chock the relationship again...

Thanks for your patience and all you have been to me. I believe that you are someone who's worth entrusting my heart... yet I can't tell when I am ready to do so... I'm sorry...

Wednesday, March 25, 2009

Something new about life...

It has been more than 4 months since a relationship had ended... Before that, I though ending a relationship that had been suffocating will bring immediate relief... But I realised something else... Instead, ending a relationship might be just mending another relationship...

It is really funny how expectations can bring so many negative effects to a relationship. When you're in a BGR, you would probably have expectations towards the other person... and if they're not met, anger, disappointment and all come along and chock the relationship...

Interestingly, when you've decided to give up on that relationship and to not have anymore expectations towards that person... you'd find that all those anger, disappointment and other feelings that have been chocking the relationship would just disappear... and you could only remember all the nice things that the other party had done and how much he/she had struggled along that journey... then you wished you could have endured longer, could have been more understanding...

Sadly, it really seemed that there was no way to get rid of those negative effects of expectations unless you don expect and in order to not expect, you just have to decide to end the relationship. I remember someone said, "it is better to be single and hope that you were attached than to be attached and hope that you were not." Maybe it wasn't a wrong decision after all....

It is better to feel that he actually cared when we're apart than to feel that he doesn't care at all when we're together...

Feel like saying... I wish everything goes well for you... Hope you'll walk in His way and trust Him with all you have. Hope to see you successful one day...

Monday, November 17, 2008

Happy Birthday to someone far far away!

Hmm... must have been hard to really have a whole great day of bday when you're having your finals. Anw, just 1 more to go... I have 4 more! Lord, help us all to focus and study hard today. (I guess I need that more than the one who's far far away...) Blessed Birthday..

Sunday, September 28, 2008

How I wish...

What a moody day again... I saw this in someone's pm today "don't know when she'll be back again." Guess one of my friends who's in LDR is missing his gf. How I wish my bf would say that... Sometimes it feels like a person like me will never have someone who'd really appreciate me. Somehow ppl take for granted of those who do not say much about how they feel. For instance, logically it's not easy, logically she should be sad... if a guy who showed interest to a girl, changes his target even tho she had constantly stay in touch with him.

I just don't know how to tell ppl how I feel but that doesn't mean I don't feel anything... Thinking too much, being afraid that telling others how I feel will make ppl feel guilty or sorry for me.. all these lead me to always keep things to myself. I can only blame myself for keeping quiet about things but I just can't help it.. I just can't tell ppl how I really feel... Really hate myself for thinking for others so much. Really hope that someday I'd meet someone who'd know how I feel without me telling... someone who would choose not to bully me eventho he's able to..

I know I know, logically the bottom line is that I still have to tell if I really want someone to know how I feel.. Just wanna complain and say what I really wish to have... Can't I? lalalalala..

By Crazied J

Thursday, May 1, 2008

Falling in love is special, staying in love is so very much more special...

Just like blogging, creating a blog is easy but continuously updating it is not easy at all... I suddenly felt the urge of writting something after abandoning this blog for so long.. My cousin just got married today. I really hope he'll have a happy marriage and he and his wife's love for each other will be everlasting!

I guess it is no way near easy to stay in love just like it is not easy to constantly update a blog. It takes effort, time etc. But I do think all these are related to one's interest and priority. When there is a will, there is a way. Falling in love is actually not really a task at all, it just come so naturally for most people. This is exactly the opposite of staying in love. It definitely takes effort and willingness, I mean A LOT OF effort and will to do so.

In my opinion, the result of marriage (whether it will last happily or not) depends on how well one can tolerate and compromise with his/her spouse and vice versa. And what is one of the main factors that can drive one to do so??? BINGO! It's again, whether you can stay in love with him/her after knowing his/her ugly side and going thru the challenges in life...

I guess, being at the top in the priority list of their husbands is one of the most wanted status for women. Unfortunately, it seems that not many women could attain this status... (This is quite a bias statement I guess, since the author is a woman herself). Well, it does make me feel selfish to say that as it seems like I'm expecting something back out of the love I'd give to a man. Wasn't "loving others without expecting anything in return" one of the charecteristics of the greatest love? It feels like it's harder to unconditionally love someone you really love. What a paradox. Somehow, if someone is really special to you, you hope he would appreciate you more...

Talking about appreciation, perhaps men and women have very different perceptions and ideas on how to appreciate someone... For men, it could be that providing for that someone is the best way of appreciating her... Other things are not necessary. For women, small things like a thank you note thru a card or sms, a compliment on something about her from her spouse.. mean quite a lot! Tho it may not seem sensible as one can't survive with thank you notes but oddly that's just how some women can feel appreciated.

A man may started out working hard to provide for his family because of his love for the family.. However, if he does not make this a clear reason for working hard, he may end up sacrificing his family for the sake of working and at the same time lossing his love for his wife.. what a depressing ending..

So for husbands out there, if you've impressed your wives long ago with diamond rings and bangalows, you may continue striving hard at work as a way of staying in love with your wives... However, if you used to impress your wife with little sweet things you did when you were wooing her, perhaps it's probably quite necessary to do that at least once in a while to keep her feeling loved...

For guys who are still not attached and intend to get attached, maybe you should consider how to woo a girl according to the kind of maintenance that you think you can cope with for long term. An analog to make things simpler for guys: For a long-term pleasant driving experience, buy a car which has an affordable cost of maintenance.

I would like to end today's entry by wishing my cousin, Keng Chung. Congratulations! May you have a pleasant driving experience =p